New year, new hope, new action

New year, new hope, new action, fiuh, this is really a big deal, for 1st January 2009, I stayed with him, my husband. At the beach, enjoying life, yeah, we just a follower in this situation, follow the other who stayed at the same places, Tanjung Bayang, Makassar, beside Losari Beach, waiting for the new year of 2009. I don’t know, I just can’t be myself for this situation.
Every act take risk, every risk need responsibility, that what I believe and by that I am ready for any risks, even risks that will coming in our marriage.
My wedding is just like a game. I could stay at one room with him and nobody know that we are ‘real couple’. This is Indonesia guys, so, virginity before marriage is important, that’s obligation. Sometimes, I feel worried, but God know, who I am, what I am (cuih, the ‘fullsinwoman’, that’s suit me).
Back to hopes, I have many. I do what I should do, and I hope what I could reach, even it sounds not possible for others, but I know what I could and what I could not do. I have many expectations, for example, do not do the same sin/mistaken that I have ever done, have my own income and pay all my obligation/my debt.
My husband? He is totally not supported me, neither forbid me. He just always take what he want and do what he want. Understanding? He has no that kind of word. There were no such love between us, we both just trapped in this marriage, marriage that caused of words. Our own words.
But, I know him a little bit. Face him just like playing a kite. Pull and make concession, I can handle this. At first, married him being a mistaken, and there were no regrets, are not, and will not. I should be change this mistaken be the right thing.

face the reality

this is our way, we both choose this, exactly, i choose this, gosh, we always have a different way of paradigm, i hate him at all. and you know, i feel rather happy when i hate him. whole night i have ever cried just for him, hahaha72x, i am not the weak one, people rare to see me with tears.. and for him? i've cried, he hurting me so much. so, i used my trick. think about him whole night along, just about him, and when i feel desperate, i will sleep well, in the morning, there were no space for him in my heart.. no.. no.. and never. and i have decided this, i'll never show him some true love. love? its just bullshit.. there are just ego. no such thing of love. sometimes i feel miss him, but thats just crap. i just miss his hugh, his kiss, thats it. ow dear, i am not feel love even for my own husband, but once again, there will be no divorce, thats my commitment.. men? they are just rubbish (for you all men, please do not hurting, if you feel you have never hurting women)

No Preparation

this is my marriage. i have just done that and no one know, how o felt. its just like.. hm.. no..not a 'dream comes true'. this is disaster. frankly, i hate my situation right now. no one know, no one understand me. and from now on, i becoming hate myself. i really hate myself. ugh. and no one can feel me.

back to my husband. he is a selfish man. egicentric. cant understand me. and always think about himself. you know what he said to me when i am myself has plan to have a baby? "aborted it" gosh!! CRUEL...

we both just a kid. we are not grow enough to face this situation. i am 22 and he is 21. wow!! how young. i am not arguing myself right now, i am blame myself. i am not qualified enough. i am not too smart to face a problem like this. ugh...

I have married

"never tell anyone untill the right time" thats what my husband said.
he still at college now, first year.. hehe72x, and me? i have graduated. yeah, i am older than him, but, its not a big deal. if you ask about love? no.. i dont think i love him. i just need him. to hugh me, kiss me and give me what i want. cruel? i dont think so. i am not so cruel then him.

21st december 2009, i married him. no party. no yelling, just ordinary 'ijab kabul'. 'ijab kabul' is islam's way. just like a promise that all couple used to say. thats enough for the wedding . we both are moeslem. no one knows about our wedding. but in the islams way, father of the bride should know, so he must know, and thats what we do. my father do know. just him, no others. include my mom, his parents neither.

thats funny. because after marriage. i have no desire to making 'our activity'. i should say this, i married him just because an accident. yeah. our marriage is MBA (Marriage By Accident). I am not a single anymore. no one know that. and i can feel him, that he doesnt love me. he never love me. our marriage just for reveal my status. hey.. hey, we are in indonesia. and status is really important.

its not a week yet and i have made decision. you know? we almost getting divorce. ow god. i start to hate him. i am hurting.

Great Life, Full Of Challenges

I have a great live. personally, this is just according to me. each situation in my life bring a new style. my life is made for changes. each seconds, each minutes, each hours, nothing through just by silence. each has season and thats make me just like this. be a learner. this is me, begin a new story in each time of my life.

Not Coincidence, i start this story at 2009. a week ago, i just reach 22. thats make me aware. hey, i am growed up. i've passed a 'secret marriage' (because of some accidents), i have be a liar either, i've betray my parents, my family and people around me. i've passed a fearness of pregnancy, being a criminal, and many others. i've through a coward way with my husband. beside all that mistaken, i've also being a runner. yeah, i never take a responsibility with great way. i've betray a lot of people. and i want all changes.. be better

eniwey, i'll continue tomorrow, my time in this internet shop has up. i'll back to continue my story of great life of me. educated or just disgusting